The Function of (I)

There are a lot of tv series out there that have one particular function. What function, you say, to entertain right? Nope, not right. The particular function is this:

......

Where the y axis is the level of excitement of the series and the x axis is the time line of the series. Here the series starts off quite well to hook the viewer, then the excitement level eases away and drones into a routine for the plain purpose of filling time. The director may choose to finish with a bang, and this is only achievable through the 'boring bits' and build up in previous episodes.

This takes me back to the question of ancient secret: "Why are some people more good-looking than others?" Well because if everyone was good-looking, then everyone would also be really ugly.

Nerdy? Yes. I see the world in graphs. I think almost everything can be plotted some way or another, including qualitative items such as interaction between people, behaviour, and love - in interesting ways.

Here is f(I):

So this is f of (I). It mainly determines the way i plan, whether it is speeches, videos (movies), activities, or the intensity of on-going dates - that is, if dating should have any climax at this stage of my life.

It is ALL (period) or Nothing Will Ever Change

I was playing...bogglific (*chhhhh*) against a man from India, and after destroying me 31 - 16, he messages: "good game, lets play some more".

doesn't that just sound so Indian?

Speaking of Indians, (who I think are quite good in some ways, especially West Indians who commentate on the cricket) I discovered on a simple stats recorder that someone from India searched Google to find this blog.

The key words he used to find me were:
'How do shopkeepers earn their margin from shop'

now hows that for sounding Indian?

Walking Ridiculously

Have you seen a particularly humorous ways of how people walk down the street?

You may have and yes I have. I've seen big dogs walking their small owners and going out of control and I've seen big owners walking their small dogs that just won't budge. I've seen mothers scolding their children while walking and dragging them along by their ears, and I've seen excited children walking their exhausted mothers along a display to show them this and show them that.

But I have never seen anything like this -->

1. A grandma is walking her grand daughter in the neighbourhood.
2. The little girl is flying on a scooter.
3. The grandma, whose running action is quite flawed, scrambles all-in to keep up.

I can just imagine:
Mother: Mum can you take my girl out to play?
Grandma: Alright dear.
Mother: Don't let her get out of sight mum. Make sure of that please.

(later on...)

Grandma: Sweety, want to go outside with grandma?
Girl: Okay grandma. Let's go.
Grandma: (At the door) Hmm, what do you want to do outside dear? Go to the park?
Girl: No I want to ride my scooter.
Grandma: Oh your mother, she got you that scooter for your birthday...hey! (panick)

I don't think I've ever seen a grandma run so fast. That, in itself, made my day.

This Is My Life

This space will no longer be devoted to the taiwan trip 06/07. I have not run out of things to write about - its just that heating up yesterday's fried rice is not as appetizing to the chef and appealing to diners as fresh ingredients put into a pot, and that my senses are able to paint a more inspired picture.

'The Taiwan Chronicles' will still make sense, because it is the chronicles of a taiwanese boy.

Thus, I hope you will enjoy - This Is My Life.

21. Bargaining Economics

I finally understand why taiwan shopkeepers always fix their eyes on a customer's every movement right from the moment when he walks through the shop door. In the case that a group of customers walk in, I now also understand why the manager would choose to pause the casual conversation with her employees to subtly assign them to look after the customers.

"Eh eh you ren lai le, gan kuai qu kan kan! (Eh eh, some customers are here, quick go have a look.)" she'd say, also picking one of the few customer to lay her eyes on as she assumes her counter position.

This is why.

From the moment you walk into the shop, the shopkeeper has already laid her eyes on you, and she studies you like a diamond. She watches your style in many aspects; intelligence through your eyes, caution through the way you step, stability through the movement of your head etc. From what she gathers, she then makes a decision on exactly how to deal with you. If you watch carefully the shopkeepers of smaller shops, she is always fidgeting with the goods inside the glass. Maybe she is adjusting to the time of day, to the weather, or to you, who has just walked through the door, and is about to be gobbled up by a crocodile without teeth, meaning that you'd come out alive, but sorry.

Some stores do not have price tags on their items, so the shopkeeper can just set her own price according to her observation of the customer. Some stores do have price tags, but they have a ridiculous price blown up to 1000% of cost, and they have a slash through them. Again, that means any price. And if you remember those times, where the shopkeeper says: "Oh you like that? You come just the right time, I have a better one of that. It is in the back, i'll get it for you." Then she goes to the back to get the goods and brings it out and explains to you: "This one from korea, has this - - - - - and this - - - - -. Oh sell so good, my last one now." And you'd be thinking that it looks pretty good, and it does look pretty good for all of the above reasons, but you'd better watch out, because you came in just in time to buy the last one of whichever that sell-so-good.

Here's a joke i read that i found interesting.
A manager of an eye care store says to a new sales recruit: "If a customer comes to you with a pair of glasses and asks for the price, tell him $4000. If his reaction is anything else but surprised, in other words without the slightest piece of concern, quickly add in that $4000 is just the frame, the lenses are $3000. Then, if he still doesn't seem to mind, quickly add in that it is $3000 for each lens, so in total for two lenses it is $6000."

You could roughly guess the cost price of an items in a shop in taiwan. Because marking up prices by a few hundred percent is the only way to survive the taiwanese bargaining culture, which involves more and more buyers becoming crocodiles that clamp their teeth together so tight that you'd need a tool to open it up. Thus by far, simply not giving money is the best way to 'win', and the pay-off is sometimes interesting.

I remember the story about J Paul Getty. He was one of the firsts in the world to hold a fortune of $1 billion. One day his son John was kidnapped and a ransom of a few million dollars was demanded.
When interviewed by the media, he answered: "I'm not paying, not even 1 cent I'm am paying."
His family and friends were shocked at his words and said to him: "What? You value money more than you value the life of your son?"
He replied: "If I paid the ransom today, when is the next time one of my many other children will be kidnapped?"
And he said firmly: "Today I oath that I will not pay even one cent, but I also oath that if the kidnapper does any harm to my son, I will use all my power and wealth to go after the kidnapper and make him miserable for the rest of his life."
Eventually, Getty didn't pay one cent, and the kidnapper let his son go and disappeared. Why? Because the kidnapper does not wish to hold something that is of no value to him, in exchange for a life time of unrest. In the same way, shopkeepers would rather get rid of items of no practical value in exchange for any accumulation of wealth and a better tomorrow.

But.

After spending time wandering on the streets, browsing night markets, and talking to owners in the stalls, I realized that sometimes it is not really about 'winning' or 'losing'.

Owners of these small stalls are people like you and me. They have fathers and mothers to feed, toys to buy for their children, gas and electricity to pay, and they may be in a lot of debt after borrowing money to send their kids to school. If you ever say 'that store price too high, i can get better at my uncle's factory', then you're probably right, because all of these stalls need to mark up from their cost price - they desperately need to find a way to pay for their fathers, mothers, spouses and children. So, there is no such word as 'rip-off' because every price is going to be specifically designed to earn the owner a profit. People get the idea of 'rip-off' by comparison. That's why the stores that do best, are the ones which have no other stores to compete with, such as the ones before the establishment of the Internet. In these cases, people have no idea what the 'standard' price is, so they buy according to their willingness to pay.

Consider a simple story. In a marketplace in a chinese village, there is a man selling meats, a woman selling vegetables, a man selling fresh water, and a woman selling fish. These people are ordinary people who have needs to provide for. They sell their goods at the intersection of a main road of the village, with one in each corner. For the particular day, the marketplace is not a very prosperous place; the number of people that have walked through in the day doesn't even amount to the number of stalls. Despite that, every once in a while, the men and the women would yell: 'meats, quality and quantity meats', and 'water, big bottles of water'. It was until evening, when a man of rich appearance strolls onto the marketplace main street. As the four marketers look at him with polite intent, he approaches the fish stall, and says: "I want to buy four fishes to cook for dinner." The fish woman is overjoyed. She picks, cuts and packs the fishes into a container and makes an exchange with the man, who strolls happily home. About ten minutes later, the man selling fresh water says: "Okay, I think that should be enough for today, I am going home." And about two minutes later, the marketplace is empty.

What happened? The four marketers are new to the market and don't know each other very well. All they ever wanted to do is to work for a day to put food on the table for their families at home. The rich man bought fish from the fish woman, who in turn set off a domino effect to provide the other three marketers enough money to provide the other three marketers enough money to provide the other three marketers enough money to buy a wholesome meal for their families that night, and still earn a small margin of profits.


If you look carefully at the stall keepers in the picture, they are not really doing their jobs properly. The girl attending the girl stall is checking out the products at the other girl stall, while the man crushing oranges is drooling over something else, possibly food.

When buying something from any shop, the question to ask is not always 'is this the cheapest item for the best quality i get?' but rather 'is this a win-win situation for you and i?' or even 'some of you and i?' If there is a price equal to or below your willingness to pay, why make them lose more when you have already won? Why thrash someone at a sport game and make them cry when you can just beat them by a whisker and then tell them: "whoa that was a close game"? I will be ever appreciative of the power that money has, to bring the giver joy when he takes a step of faith to help others in their times of need.

20. A New Level of Awareness

There is a type of people in this world called 'clean freak'. There is also another type of people in this world called 'neat freak'. In the home i live in today, there is a clean freak and there is a neat freak.

My mum is the clean freak. It is not to say that she loves to clean, it's just that she likes the things around her to be clean. She abide by the rule of 'if you can't see it, it can't hurt you', because she even uses environmentally friendly cleaners to rid all possibilities of uncleanliness - including the uncleanliness from normal dish washing liquids. And to satisfy her cleanliness, dish scrubbers must be made from environmentally friendly materials which are chemical free. Her current favourite is the sun-dried luffa (sponge gourd), which has a rough texture for scrubbing dirty dishes clean. Sometimes, her cleaning demands become so ridiculous that we engage in 'tongue battles' (she zhan), which are basically arguments, except i'd like to think that it is more sophisticated. In ancient china, when one arguer says a statement and a contestant challenges with an opposing statement that plays on the arguer's statement, a 'tongue battle' begins. The arguer would fire back words to attack the contestant, and the contestant would gentlemanly make use of the attack to convey his own message that rhymes, matches certain tones, possibly parodies, while at the same time counterattacks. The arguer would then crunch back with his own sets of plays of language and sophistication. So on and so forth, until a large crowd is gathered. My mum enjoys a sparring partner for what she does best.

My dad is the neat freak. It is not to say that he is not clean, it just means that he is especially fussy about tidiness. When he sees a sink full of dishes, he feels knots in his heart. But wait! Shouldn't a sink full of dirty dishes bother a clean freak? Yes it does, but it bothers a neat freak even more, because the dishes are not stacked neatly on the rack, and the fact that there is misplaced dirt on them, knots the heart even more. Conversely speaking, a neat freak would not mind rubbish - as long as it is placed in the correct spot e.g. at the left side of the desk, where it is labeled 'discarded papers'. A neat freak relies on order in his life to maintain his knotless heart. Before continuing with anything else, he must find the dropped rubber that has rolled under the fixed work desk and place it back into the pencil case, he must shelve his series of books in a particular order at a particular angle, straighten the painting to zero degree tilt etc. Most importantly, a neat freak must never waste. Even for the sake of saving. Although it is pouring heavily outside, my dad would still pour the vegetable washing water into the 'resources bucket'. I told him that in the past 3 seconds it rained enough on our lawn to fill 3000 of those buckets. He agreed with me, but to waste, he cannot.

I know a lot of people who have these traits, so you may be able to identify very well. Thus, i do should not be using the word 'freak'. However, after visiting and staying with my little uncle in taiwan for a few days, i can truly say that i had discovered a freak - a 'safety freak'.

Everywhere my little uncle goes, whether it is the house, the car or the office, he carries with him a few packet of wet wipers. He picked me up from the bus stop and the first thing he said to me was: "Yao bu yao ca shou? (Want to clean hands?)" He also said the same thing when i was getting out. He said the same thing when i was inside the house, and outside the house. All in all, he just kept saying it all day. Rumours has it that his family uses a box of tissues per day, and i add that 90% of the tissues is pulled out and used or distributed by him alone. This is safety via cleanliness.

Academic excellence in taiwan has much to do with university education as well as career prosperity. Little uncle knows this fact, so he does all he could to assist her daughter to the top of the class in all subjects. He really gets involved at the parent teacher interviews, sometimes makes his own appointments with teachers, and actively participates with in-class politics. He told me about the time when her daughter Ting Ting obtained an almost perfect score in her end of year test but she was still beaten to the top by the 'second smartest kid' in class. He said that it was an outrage, the 'second smartest kid' came first overall only because he scored a little higher in class tests, which are nothing compared to the big end of year test. His vivid and detailed descriptions of Ting Ting's classmates make it seem almost as though he comes to class to sit at the back just to 'check up' on the kids in the class. As the old proverb prescribes: "Know self, know else, win one hundred out of one hundred times."

I took this photo while in a zoo. During the 'sore leg' sitting break, he pulls out a social activities textbook so that they could revise for the upcoming social activities test together. This is safety via job security.

Little uncle has safety doubts/issues about a lot of people, as in people are plain not safe, especially when they are random. He says: "Ni zai che zhan ji ji ji de shi hou, yao ba bao bao na hao, qian bao fang zai li mian kou dai, xiao xin ni ji ji ji ji dong xi jiu bu jian le." ("When you squish squish squish, hold your bags close, put your wallet in safe place, in case you squish squish squish and come out with nothing." Also: "Ru guo kan dao you ren wang ni zhe bian zou, kan de guai guai de, xian duo kai la, ru guo hao xiang gen zhe ni de hua, ni jiu ke yi cha bu duo kai shi pao le." ("If you see someone walking towards you, and looks suspicious, try to avoid first, if he looks like he's following you, you should pretty much make a run for it.")

He wanted to show me exactly how dangerous taiwan can be. So he gave me a live demonstration while picking up his daughter from school. So, he walked with me through the front gate of the primary school and sure enough we were stopped by security guards.
"Dui bu qi, wai ren bu ke yi jin qv," (Sorry no outsiders allowed) said one of the four security guards.
"Wo shi jie xiao hai de," (I'm here to pick up my kid) said my uncle as he stopped to explain.
"Jie xiao hai ah?" (Pick up kid?) said the guard, now more relaxed. "Ha-ha, hen xin ku ho?" (tough work that.)
"Yes yes," said uncle. And we were through as easily as 'open sesame'. "Ni kan ni kan! Ren he ren dou ke yi zhang de xiang shi jie xiao hai de ah. Wo zhen de bu zhi dao na ji wei zai men kou gan ma" (See see, anybody can look like they have kids. I really don't know what these guards are doing at the gate) he aired to me. This is safety via paranoia.

These safety measures are not to be underestimated.

19. By the Power of a Glance

For the 21 days on tour, i felt like i was travelling in a live taiwanese drama. There were 188 tourists, half of whom were girls, most of whom came on tour to meet other people for their own reasons, and all of whom were taiwanese. We shared university dormitories, hotels, cabins, and much more, such that on the third day, it seemed as though we had known each other since forever. In addition, the oldest organizing authority on tour was only 26, so you could imagine all the boundary stretching and rule breaking temptations that add to the very essence of taiwanese drama. Plus, every corner you turn and every pillar you stand under, you'd find guys saying the line: "ni dao di xi huan shei ah?" (who do you like tell me come on) and "ni jue de na ge xiao mei zen yang?" (you think that little girl how about?) But the most key of word in this tour sub-culture is: "zheng mei" (standard girl). 'Standard' by the meaning of standardly good or typically pretty. It is as though the guys all see themselves as 'standard' guys so wouldn't accept anything below par 'standard'. So the time comes when the girls say that they're tired and want to go to sleep, and they go back to their own rooms. As soon as the guys' room door closes, all the guys would explode into mouthfuls such as: "you mei you kan dao XX chao zheng ah!" (did you see XX super standard!) Now you know, that's all we, shallow, superficial, guys talk about. Without girls, the guys would all be standing pieces of wood with two branches neatly by each side, no one would step one step out of his room, and i dare say that there would have only been about 10 people on the tour.

There is something unfathomable about glance exchanges with the opposite sex. I chose the words 'glance exchanges' because there would be nothing weird about a one way glance. The other party wouldn't know that somebody else is looking at them, therefore there is no power in the glance. There are three general reasons for glance exchanges 1) They are interested in you 2) They think you are interested in them 3) They think that you think that they are interested in you.

I was very careful in my live-in taiwanese drama to avoid those awkward glance exchanges, however inevitable it was. I didn't think it was very healthy to build a relationship upon the awkwardness, so i almost always tried to prevent it at all cost. The experience of glance exchanges can be described for both parties using the following analogy. It is as though two magnets are placed next to each other at an influencing distance, while the poles of the two individual magnets switch at random periods. Such that one moment, the magnets are being repelled by the force field one another, yet at the next moment, the magnets find themselves attracted to each other. Sometimes, glance exchangers are just like these magnets. They feel an almost tangible force field caused by the eyes of the other person, such that it is hard to look them in the eye. But at other times, their eyes just wander wander wander into the force field's epicentre. It is as though eyes have so much power, and perhaps that is a part of the reason why it is the window to the soul.

(The girl in the photo is angela who is one of those 'nice' girls and has not much to do with the contents of 19. By the Power of a Glance)

When i get into a glance exchange, i usually pretend that nothing is wrong, and view normally, just like the way i view normal girls - look them in the eye when they talk, watch them when they move, and rest my eyes on their faces when i go off into a daze. I do that, and they don't get any ideas. They don't even look back. But there is just something profound about pretending that a glance exchanger is a normal person, because it just doesn't work. It's just not the same. It's as though she has subscribed to my force field, and where my eyes move, i give off varying strengths of different forces. I cannot look at her as she may get ideas, yet i cannot not look at her as it would be unnatural. I cannot look at her for very long as it would turn into a stare, yet i cannot look at her for very short as it would reveal my discomfort. So finally, my eyes go wandering into a lovely daze and soon after, i find myself looking at that same girl, who at the same moment turns her face to catch my glance. And i say: "Goodness, not even in my day dream can i avoid her. Now she's sunk further into my power, and i further into hers."

Among the 188, there was one girl who to me, stood out from the rest. The rest means the rest of the girls i checked out, which was pretty much all of them. I could make a list of the reason as to why she stood out to me, but i only want to talk about one thing. It was her laugh. Her laugh really touched my heart. My dad taught me some time ago that, by the way a person laughs, you could tell whether a person was genuine or not genuine, simple or complex, innocent or manipulative, open or defensive. And watch out for those people who can't show genuine laughter, because those people, i deduced, think before they laugh. The reason for that, is because they are so full of motives themselves, that wherever they go, or whoever they meet, they naturally put up a shield to protect themselves against motives, which in actual fact are only their own medicines. Very dangerous people.

The word to sum up the quality of the laugh is the chinese word 'tian zhen', which means innocence but with more awareness and naivety but with more understanding. The qualities that derive from 'tian zhen' are genuineness, generosity and compassion. I saw those qualities in action, and i was attracted to all of them. The girl must have sensed my attraction, because i suddenly felt the magnetic force field controlling my eyes. Such that i was unable to lift my camera to add her picture into my dvd-full image collection. Such that before i turn the corner in the corridor i feel a repelling force from around the corner, which makes me turn and run. I made some wrong moves in that experience, but i'm glad i did so that i could be better next time. Now for all occasions in the past, I have never wanted to look for a relationship of any type. Because i believe that the time has not yet come.

[Picture for another day]

18. As Water Reflects an Image, So the Face Reflects the Heart 2

For the first few nights in taiwan, i lived at my second uncle house. This second uncle (EGZ), when placed next to Aunty L, is contrasted magnificently, especially in his style of welcoming guests. After my tour around the island, he, for some reason wanted me to go back to his place to live for a few more days. He called me on my mobile, and upon picking up, he said: "Wei yu-keng...(pause) lai jiao wo ying wen (come to teach me english)." This question had me frozen for words, as 'no' was not an option, since he had already hosted my stay for three nights. And it wasn't even a question, it was a statement.

EGZ has three daughters, two of whom don't welcome guests. At their house, because EGZ has no sons, i was treated more like a son, than a guest. I had a funny feeling on the second day that the reason he invited me back was to have another go at experiencing the feeling of having a son. So, what is the difference between a guest and a son? A guest has the influence to squeeze the host's family members into other bedrooms, the entitlement to touch anything on any shelf, and the right to request the host for help at any time. A son, has all of the above privileges, except he has to help out with house chores and does not receive financial aid. EGZ bought a sim card for me, but asked me to pay for it myself. The aunty and EGZ were rather inconsiderate, not in a bad way, but in a family type way, and asked me to help with making dinner and odd jobs.

For all the inconsiderate things this family did, there were reasons to back it up. Most significantly, it was because their financial situation wasn't very strong. So, when it came to welcoming guests, it was all about the heart. In this family, though two out of five don't talk, i still felt the warmth in the way they paid much attention to me, and how they involved me in family activities. One day, EGZ took me to check out a christian bookstore, which was probably the least worldly place in the entire city. After browsing for a while, i saw him pay for an item at the counter. He turned his head to look at me, adjusted the item in his hand and walked towards me with a smile.
"Song gei ni de (this is for you)," he said.
I reached out and palmed the gift in my hands. It was a desktop christian tree trunk with a message clip mounted to it. It would have costed less than 100 dollars or $4 australian.
"Xi huan ma? (do you like it?)," he asked. His smile broadened and it was broader by the second. I also smiled, but before i had a chance to give a proper reply, he had already broken out into a super boss laugh: "Haaaa haaaa haaaa haaaa! Wo jiu zhi dao ni hui xi huan (i just knew you would like it)." He said good-bye to the storekeeper and whistled loudly out the door. I don't know how much money he had in his pocket that day, but if it had been 100 dollars, he 1) would've had a tricky time selecting the gift, and 2) would've been a very joyful man as he whistled out the door that day.

In the very end, it was all about the heart. EGZ could have bought me a present for 10 dollars and took me to view road-side chinese calligraphy, and Aunty L could have invited all her friends over to watch me eat 'ginger female duck'. That doesn't matter. The present would still have been lovely, the calligraphy an interesting new experience, and the ginger duck, or more like Aunty L's hospitality, would have all the same struck home.

These two men, and a lot of other candidates running for a seat in the taipei government, had posters plastered everywhere in taipei during pre-election times. The man on the right somehow does not look proper enough to be sitting on a seat in the taipei government. And the man on the left, described as his side-kick, also looks suspiciously unfit. That is, for a typical politician in a typical australian culture. Whether they were born to look so, or whether it is the prevailing wisdom of proverbs 27:19, only their mothers would know.

17. As Water Reflects an Image, So the Face Reflects the Heart

"As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man." (Proverbs 27:19) I have always believed in this, and i know that it is true. Interestingly, there are two parts to this verse. The first part talks about a physical reflection, and the ease water can reflect an image. The second part talks about an inward reflection, how the heart can affect the being of a person. Combine these two parts, and i form an interpretation which says that the heart affects the thoughts of a person, then the decisions of a person, then the actions of a person, and finally the facial appearance and expression of a person. You can't hide what is in your heart.

One day i came home with severe bruising all over my body. I knew roughly why this had happened, as the red marks were symmetrical from top to bottom. I seldom take pictures of myself, especially of my body, of course unless for special occasions and this time being to show my mum what a brave boy her son has been in taiwan, and that he's still able to stand on two legs. Now i must start from the beginning.

It began one evening when my aunty 'L' known as 'L', invited me to go up into the mountains. To be polite, i said yes, and since there wasn't much to do at L's house, to say that i was busy would be asking to be exposed on the spot. So up we drove to the mountains. Though don't underestimate taiwanese mountains, the island may be small, but the mountains are steep. Half an hour later, we arrived at a massage house. How pleasant that L is taking me for a massage, i thought. I really could not wait to get inside. I have always been somebody who likes being touched. When i was young, my dad had to touch/massage me for many hours before i would fall asleep. And now that i am older and have more energy, it is always my turn to massage people to sleep. Thus, I have dreamed of this place, the massage house, for so so long.

Upon entering the massage house, we were greeted by three massaging men. Well-built, tall, thick arms - i'd say a it is a case of big talent small use. One of the men told me to take my clothes off. I took off my jacket. He wanted more. I took off my shirt. But he still wasn't satisfied. Okay so I took off my socks. But he disagreed. This time he eyed my pants with the 'ooh-don't-be-so-shy' look. And i knew that i was in big trouble. At that point in time i thought to myself: 'goodness, what could be worse than a thigh massage at this time of night?' But later on i found the answer to the question to be: any of the many shifty manouevres this massaging man stores inside his sleeves.

The masseur sometimes had me on my stomach while he pressed on my gluteus maximus. That is okay comfortable for a guy, but after a while, it became embarrassing, especially when he shifted my position a few times to wrestle-hold me in new postures. The standard thoughts of a massagee are things such as: "hmmm....", "go to sleeeeep...", "15 more minutes...", "yeah..." But the whole time, i was thinking about all the things a massagee should not be needing to thinking about during a massage. I figured that he mustn't be an experienced masseur to overly not understand guys' needs , especially when he is a man himself.

The masseur used a muscle scraper, which looked like a comb but it had some mass and was rock hard. He held and scraped it deeply and repetitively over most muscle areas on my body waist up and thigh down. The pain is indescribable with a few words, so i have to use a chinese idiom called 'sheng bu ru si' (alive not better than dead). Though i was not ready to die, i had learnt how to use the idiom. With each scrape, i would let out a singular side-splitting laughter. Just as seen on the movies, when pain reaches a certain level, the character no longer screams but laughs, because there is no more energy left for screaming. And why didn't the man massager stop his work at the sound of my explosive fragments of laughter? Because my aunty L had already paid him good money to spend time with me all night.

As the masseur was scraping, he was surprised to tell me that i was getting red bruises in the places he was contacting. I asked him why it didn't hurt afterwards. And he told me it was an uncommon form of muscular stress, that my muscles are constantly being exercised, and the red marks are just indications of the muscles that were ready to buff out of my fat and skin. Doesn't look much of it in real life does it? Doesn't even look like it with my clothes off.

It seemed to me, through the way that i was spoilt, that my aunty L didn't know how to spend her money. Not that it was a waste to spend money on me, but for the fact that she has so much money, i predict, would give her headaches every day. She took me to five-star restaurants and top-quality and delicate-sized-food all-you-can-eats, where i was careful of what or how much i ate just in case i scared L's daughter.

The streets of taiwan are peppered with small dessert like the one above, which would make a fortune if it opens in melbourne. There was a particular franchise called 'Ginger Female Duck' and its specialty was ginger female duck. As i was travelling around taiwan, i saw many times protruding signs and shopfront labels of 'Ginger Female Duck' written in ancient traditional font with its red-backgrounded and its delicious black duck logo. How i need one of those ducks, i thought each time walking past and seeing that sign.

Sure enough, one day, L brought home a 'Ginger Female Duck'. She put it in a bowl and called me enthusiastically to quickly come to try it before it turns cold. Quickly i was, to sit down on the sofa next to L in front of the tv with a bowl of duck on the coffee table. The first forkful was awesome! My eyes lit up to tell L just how wonderful it had tasted, and how it was twice as good as what i pictured it to be. And it was great! And it was tasty! And it was profound! And it was different! And it was flavoursome! And it was unique! And it was intense! And it was mind-boggling! And it was heart-throbbing! And wait, it was... absolutely disgusting! I was now up to my 12th forkful and my forkfuls were becoming smaller and smaller.

My aunty was staring at me with a kind smile. She asked: "hao bu hao chi? (is it good?)" Now to answer the question, i would have responded: "uh...bu tai xi guan eh...(not too used to it)." However, it was impossible that i could say that. Not after telling her just 10 seconds ago that it was awesome. So i said: "yes it is good." Then she said: "oh good, daughter and i have already had some, the rest of the bowl is yours. bu yao ke qi! (don't be so polite about eating the whole thing)." That was when my stomach began turn. And being inside my aunty's peripheral vision, even though she was laughing and commenting in front of the tv, forced me to eat on fork by fork. At this point, i could feel the duck gravitating inside my stomach as the contents of my stomach was ready to pour out. This agony was indescribable in a few words, such that i have to use a chinese idiom, this time called 'jin tui liang nan" which means 'forward, backwards, both difficult'. This idiom is usually used in the context of wars where an army is trapped in a dilemma, such that they cannot move forward to attack nor can they move back in retreat. Applied to my case, i was not able to forward any more food into my stomach, nor was i ready to vomit the contents of my stomach back to where it came from. Now that's some application.

After some time, the aftertaste from that night had still not subsided. Now, if you say to me the words 'Ginger Female Duck', i would give you a slow meditating look as i try to release those pockets of air out of my stomach. Yes even right now. Even if you remind me via sms.

(To be continued...)

16. Pleasing to my eyes

There was just something that i did not understand as i walked the streets of taipei. That was, the amount of basketball machines inside the city of taipei. I would walk from arcade to arcade to sometimes find rows of 20 basketball machines all lined up, and not have been surprised if three quarters of those were occupied. Sometimes the basketball machines don't need an arcade to simply be there; they're just there. Back home, basketball machines are some of the most obtuse things ever. They can be found in gaming zones and share just-about-equal reputations with whack-a-croc, wheel-of-fortune, roll-a-ball-into-a-target and feed big momma. If you wanted to play on one these machines in australia, you would have to think again, and come back when it is darker, to save yourself the embarrassment of being seen.

The way to play this game was to shoot as many baskets in a certain amount of time. There are three levels in the entire game, and if one level is passed, the player is allowed into the next one. Each level has 60 seconds. So that's 180 seconds in total. A good score would be around about 220.

One day, as i was browsing the tv at my aunty's house, i discovered what the fuss was all about. Celebrities on tv were playing the machines, and that's what it was all about. Tv also showed basketball competitions endorsed by celebrities. A major competition at that time was taken out by a 40yr old mother of two, who scored 880 points. You could imagine the stance she would have to take and what she would need to perform with her arms every quarter of a second. Though she wasn't a celebrity at that time, she soon became more like one. For the boys in the picture, they were supposed to be 'beyond cool' and definitely way cooler than basketball machines, but because of social influence, all things became possible. If a celebrity could do it, people don't have the power to put you down for doing it. If everyone does it, the action suddenly becomes normal e.g. coughing and spitting large phlegms while lining up in a queue to buy an ice-cream. It would be those 'normal' things in different cultures, which people do so instinctively that i find most pleasing to my eyes.

On the night of our tour graduation, a few of the groups were selected to give a repeated performance of plays/dances/songs which were performed throughout the tour. The graduation night was supposedly special because, besides the fact that it was the second last night, four 'official party' members were invited to come to watch in the front row or best seats. We were told to be on our best behaviour.

As i studied this photo, i began to realise that the hand positions of the four official party members formed a perfect evolution of a clap cycle. Starting from the right, the climax of a clap is when two hands are together making a loud sound. This evolves into a more hesitant approach, where the hands cup into each other so that the slower claps won't look awkward compared to when it is done in the together position. From there, it changes into a faint-hearted anticipation of something worth clapping for. The final evolution is of the hand position of the lady on the left: dormant.

The official party was being socially influenced in two ways. The first way was when everyone in the audience started clapping for a local hero after he says an in-joke. Everyone was cheering and going crazy both at the humour and the fact that it was 'the person'. While this was happening, the official party also decided to clap, not knowing the reason, but they did it nonetheless. Seeing that there were people in front of the front row taking pictures of the official party, they had a reason to put on some facial expression while clapping to show some facial appreciation, however obliged it may have seemed. The second way is seen in the evolution. The audience on the left quietened before the audience on the right, therefore there was a wave of quietness inside the auditorium. However official the party was, i was not so sure, but it was for certain that if a pretend clap from a majority had been setup beforehand, it would trigger the party to also clap, and perhaps with a simulated smile on their faces.

In conclusion, it is not only possible for celebrities to influence teenagers and young adults, but it can also go the other way around. In organizational terms, it is not always a top-down approach where management dictates changes, but the reverse can happen to give organizations a bottom-to-top influence, which is not extraordinary. Though socially, I look forward to being amused by this phenomenon.

15. How To Lose A Friend In Three Ways

To be continued, below...

So how many ways are there to lose a friend? Rumours have it that there are about ten, but here are the top three ways as i have discovered in taiwan.

1. The number 1 strategy to lose a friend is to talk about yourself whenever you can. To master this art, you have to be ever-thinking about what the talk topic has to do with yourself, and how you can apply it and fit yourself into the conversation. A typical conversation from the master:

master: so where did you go today?
friend: i went to a 'working house' store in near Taichung train station.
master: oh that one, yeah i know that one. me and my friends went there once to buy tapes and clothes. so where else did you go?
friend: well the science museum, i walked there after that.
master: you walked to the science museum? did you like it?
friend: yes i liked it, i really liked the rooftop display.
master: yeah, i remember when i went to the science museum and i dared my friends to hide inside while it closed. and my friends couldn't get out after that. oh, so funny.
friend: ohh...
master: but the funny thing is they had to spend the night there in their school uniform. i didn't want to ditch my friends either, so i went home to get a sleeping bag and slept near the museum window. that was just last year before the renovation.
friend: didn't your friends get mad?
master: yeah, but we do this all the time. one of our classmates can never get along with the other boys in the other class. and he always goes to throw rubbish or uneaten lunch into their home room after lunch. the teacher's expression was so funny.
friend: ...hmm...oh i went to see the native plant green house as well, that was good.
master: yeah...(silence)
friend: ...have you been there?
master: (eyes light up and takes a deep breath) I! blablabla...

Clearly here in this case study, the master is supposed to be a gracious and welcoming host, whose aim is to make the friend feel comfortable with a heart-warming chat. But what does she do? From the question asker, she becomes the question receiver, and she makes you wonder if all her questions are asked according to her own interests, so that as soon as a semi-satisfactory answer is given, she may take a deep breath and pounce on her own question - hard.

In taiwan, i talked to a very powerful girl who was keen and able to maintain a one way conversation. Every time i took a breath to speak some words, she would quickly cut me off with more tales about herself, leaving me to close my mouth and deflate air. By the time she ran out of things to interrupt me with, my face had turned red hot, maybe from all those breaths, but definitely from the build-up of intense frustration. And we talked for three and a bit hours that night.

2. The second most effective way is to show off your skills and abilities as a priority in friendship building. To master this art, you need to know how to avoid weaknesses to deliberately run into your strengths, while pulling others down in order to magnify yourself. Thus the main goal of a master is to surround himself with a group of people who awe at his skills and capabilities. Littly known to him, the culture of the group he creates is of self-interest, competition and jealousy. And little does he know, that deep down, people don't really care about your abilities. What matters to people is your sincerity.

"I remember the story of a taiwanese guy who dated a taiwanese girl. He was very excited to take her out to see a movie, though he wasn't too good with directions, and he lost his way. By the time they arrived at the cinema, the movie had already finished. Embarrassed he was, but he nervously asked her if she wanted to go to dinner. She said yes. At the end of the dinner, he discovered that he only had NT$100 in his wallet. He searched every single pocket for loose change, but still did not have enough. Neighbouring diners were turning their heads to look as they wondered what the fuss was all about. The guy stuttered to ask the girl whether she could lend him some money to pay for the dinner. The next day, the girl's parents invited the guy over to have a coffee. He was late by over three-quarters of an hour, the reason being that his motorbike had run out of petrol. By the time the parents greeted him outside the gate, he was huffing and puffing breathlessly beside his motorcycle with sweat dripping from his chin and helmet strap. In the end, the girl actually married the silly guy."

Just look at how hard he tried. If a girl did that to me, i may not marry her, but i would definitely nod my head and say to myself: "i want to be your friend." It's true that she doesn't know how to do anything. I could say that she is uncautious or even disorganized. But those things don't matter when there is true sincerity.

If it was a guy, it would be even better.

14. Double the Vision

I have never seen so many people pack into a single train station. Very shameful, my camera was not wide enough to capture all the people on the left squeezing down from the escalator and all the people on the right squeezing onto the escalator trying to get down.

This was at about 2:00am on the 1st day of 2007, where a lot of people had come out to the parliament square to celebrate the new year. This was at the final stage of going home. The initial stage of going home, which was walking out of parliament square, began at about 12:30am. In the process of going home, there wasn't one corner of any big city streets that allowed the space for a full-stretched yawn. The sufferers of course, were the vehicles that had happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. If there wasn't even enough space for a yawn, there wouldn't have been enough space to even open the door to get out and 'talk about it'.

Pedestrians on the paths were so slow, literally at the pace of snails, that after a while, even some old grandmas and grandpas could be seen rolling over head-high metal fences onto private property to gain a speed advantage via a clear path. This was pleasing to my eyes - I love to see people act out of desperation. I overheard an english man say to his taiwanese wife, in an english accent: "Goodness, i'm never coming here again..." And surely i didn't just hear that from only one non-taiwanese person that night. It wasn't a pleasant idea to sit 300 metres away from the centre of the action. Next time, it shall be a good time on a rice paddock 30km away from the city, having a picnic while watching the fireworks.

If you've ever attempted to stare at a space, and continue staring at that space, where a train passes by, you'll find that it is impossible to keep your eyeballs still, or fixed. Uncontrollably, the eyeballs would always flicker then readjust, and flicker then readjust over and over again as it helplessly follows the movement of the train. The only way to stop this from happening is to form a double vision while continuing to stare at the same spot. With the double vision, nothing else seems to be in focus, except for the focus of fixing upon the new vision. Now you are not scared of however many trains that go past or however fast they go past. This technique is also the secret to blinking contests. And if you're feeling as though everything in your life is moving so fast that you can barely keep up, or that challenges are non-stop and can only get tougher and tougher, then won't you ask God for a double portion of a vision to be poured out into your life.

Sam Hu

13. The Path of Giant Tree Countdowns

A well-known feature of Mount Ali is its giant trees forest. Some have been around for thousands of years, and in a certain section of the forest, there is a walk which counts down the giant trees in order of smallest to largest. A feature of the giant trees forest is its ability to enhance endorphin production via natural chemicals being taken into the body. Another feature of the giant trees forest is the exotic birds, which are supposed to make exotic sounds pleasing to my ears. But my favourite feature is the wildlife or a wildlife, or more specifically the dogs, which has dominated a large territories inside the forest primarily because people in the city don't want them to be running on the streets.

I always bring food with me wherever i go to add an extra sense to the experience, whatever it may be. The giant trees forest was no exception because it had already the senses of seeing, hearing, smelling and touching - tasting made me complete. But the result of eating too much is that you will have people scabbing off you. I don't like the word 'scabbing' because it gives rise to negative connotations such as 'stingy' and 'poor' on behalf of both the giver and getter. Therefore, eating too much will have people located thoughtfully and purposefully close to you for certain reasons. Not that anybody followed me around the giant trees forest, but that thought struck me when i spotted some dogs stalking me. Inside the path of giant tree countdowns, the dogs have clear advantages over me. They can communicate in their own language, they are not bound legally by the path and their dog holes are invisible to human eyes. Some of these dogs seem like they haven't eaten for days, and you don't even have to lift up their lips to see their growling teeth. But that didn't mean that they disrespected me in any way.

Close to the end of the count down, there were about five dogs following me. I thought that it was quite good of them to do so, so i sat down on a step to watch them. They too decided to sit down along the path around me in a semi-circle. It was nice of them to just sit down and spend some time with me on the path of giant tree countdowns, so i decided to spare some food. As soon as i reached my hands into my bag, all five dogs jumped up from their sitting positions and began to growl at their opponents. They swiftly split up into two teams, team one was to my left and team two was to my right, and they pivoted about so fast that i was beginning to get double vision as well as a little bit scared. So i pulled my hand out of my bag and was just about to stand up, when both the growling and the pivoting suddenly stopped. Intrigued by this behaviour, i reached to unzip my bag, and surely the double vision was happening again. After this cycle had happened a few times, i truly realised what it is like to be so powerful that something would be accomplished at a wave of a hand. But somehow, after another repetition of my hand moving up and down, the fighting had become uncontrollable. One dog was taken down by three others, and the he was dragged out and helped along out of the scene by his mate who was on his side. The three gave chase, and after a brief moment, i was left all alone. Interesting to know that dogs make alliances and defensive pacts with one another. They remain loyal to their team even when his team mate is on the losing side, and if only i had known more about the incident e.g. gender, age, blood line, history or hunger situation, it would have been touching story. For such loyalty and friendship, isn't it worthwhile sitting down to get to know some of them a little bit better?

The dogs have fierce competitors for food, so they have to adapt to the environment to be able to survive. The dogs in the photo have a house under the wooden path. Not a bad idea, because older dogs would have no reason to overtake it because even if they did, they would need to live inside with their arms at the same height as their head. And those longing eyes, tell me that they want me, but are too scared to come and get me.

It is a different story with bigger dogs though. If their longing eyes eye onto something, they will be all too happy to go and get it. I sat quite close to the door as i was eating at a hotpot restaurant on Mount Ali one night. The owner seemed kind to me when she stood outside her restaurant to finally pull me in to eat 'hotpot with all you can eat rice'. A hungry yet gentle dog sat outside the door of the restaurant and knowing that i had a hotpot, she snuck in with her front legs on the bench of the table, and her sniffing and highly vacuum-like nose high in the air. When the owner saw this, she told her gently to 'zou kai' (go away) because she didn't want to alarm all the other guests. The dog ran outside to avoid the scolding. After a while it happened again, and the owner was very apologetic towards me and asked her son to watch the counter so that she can keep an eye on the dog. It happened a third time, and this time the dog and i were talking and laughing over the hotpot. When the owner saw this and had not realised our relationship, she picked up something which closely resembled a plastic bag and heaved it at the dog with all her might as she followed through half a dozen steps. The dog immediately raced out of the restaurant, but after hearing no sound she turned around to see a piece of material float down towards the ground. The owner had a choice between customers and dogs. If the choice was dogs, she could easily close down the business to turn it into a dog house, while if the choice was customers, she would simply close the front door to keep the dog out. In the end, i spotted her secretly give a bowl of food to the dog to eat, a compromised decision. She didn't want to show the customers that dogs like to hang around and she definitely didn't want to hurt the dog. Her kindheartedness was her dilemma, and her dilemma (and the half a dozen step follow through) was our joke.

12. For Everything that is 'Nice'

In the last few days i have been to night markets, parks, mountains, sanctuaries, and i have encountered a lot of 'nice' things. You may ask, what is 'nice'? 'Nice' is something you see, or hear, or feel, or sense, which puts a smile to your face and a touch to your heart. And the result of that has you saying: "hmmm....how nice....."

On a visit to a famouse national park, i came across some geese walking along a concrete walkpath in the middle of the man-made lake. I decided to follow them along the path, since they were the only animals in the park. Waddle waddle we go along the path, until i realised that they were easing away from me. Here's something i found about geese. They calculate your momentum when you approach them. Because they value their own weight as large, as they are quite hard to budge even one on one with a person, they will study your speed of approach. If it is not too high, then they will feel very safe. I also felt very safe around them.

The old grandma next to me was saying to her granddaughter (or daughter, i couldn't tell): "Xiao xin, ta hui yao ren de! (Be careful it bites!)", but i didn't believe her. I gave the geese my finger, and after a few 'waaagn's, one bit me on the hand. The sensation was surprising yet calm. I do not recall the feeling but i could be sure that it did not hurt - because geese do not have teeth. When you pull up the skin of covering a dog's upper jaws, you reveal its fierce snarling teeth. And you say, impossible(!), how can something so innocent turn into something so nasty in just one hand movement? Try putting those teeth on a goose. When you lifted up its beak sides, did it surprise you?

The little girl in the picture seemed to be scared of the geese. But at the same time, by the encouragement of her mum and her want to play with the only animals in the park before it gets dark, she had no choice. In the picture, it may seem like she's turning around to say a caring goodbye to the geese, but in reality, out of her shyness, she was actually inching herself towards the pack very slowly - backwards! How nice...


Once she was close enough, her grandma decided to take a photo of her with a statue in the background. This was the way in taiwan. When you reach a certain destination you must take a photo of 'evidence' to show all your friends and relatives that you have been to a particular place. For example, when a tourist climbs a mountain, he doesn't necessarily take a photo with the surrounding landscapes, but he takes one with the plaque on the rock which says: "mount ali national park". It just lets me wonder what that photo the grandma took of her granddaughter at the same time i captured my photo, would look like. How i would give to see the awesome lakeside background, everything before that as well as an innocent, content smile, that would put a smile on my face and give a touch to my heart.

11. Returns to Taiwan

The plane trip back home was a breeze. I didn't feel a thing, i ate well, slept well, and had a good time to myself. Unlike my flight to taiwan, which had me feeling many things: ate horribly, slept terribly by closing my eyelids all the way through, had a miserable 12 hours, almost vomited on the flight attendant, had to continually spit into the vomit bag to prevent my extremely empty stomach from being able to throw up anything, basically gagging and spasming all the way through. I fixed that with a pill and now i love flying.

After several weeks of life back australia, i have finally discovered the key ingredient as to why i miss taiwan. Well what is it? The possibilities were relatives, taiwanese culture, shopping, creative goods and tour friends. I miss all of these very much but the actual key ingredient was not in the possibility list. The key ingredient was freedom - the freedom of no obligation, the freedom of independence, and the freedom to hold a camera wherever i go. Actually it is weirder for me to look like a tourist in taiwan than in australia, because afterall i am taiwanese. But i didn't realise that point, so it doesn't matter. Now i'm back in taiwan, and i'm very happy to tell you my story.

I came across a 'love auction' that was held outside a warehouse/shopping centre which has everything you'd ever dream of buying on the one level. This 'love auction' would receive donations such as anything to anything from organizations or private donors and they would 'love auction' it outside major intersections, which was not a good idea after i spotted a bunch of stationary motorcyclists staring at the auctioneer not knowing that the red light had turned green. This time, it was an 'everything must go' situation. They had televisions, blenders, saxophones and a lot of other things that weren't in the picture.

When the auctioneer announced that the next item was a fur ball dog, the reaction of the crowd was nothing. No reaction and no bids. But wasn't this an everything-must-go situation? Yes, so the auctioneer had no choice but to pull the taiwanese seller's favourite man-cringer:
"100 dollars, is your girlfriend worth less than 100 dollars?"
That, of course is making a lot of assumptions, but it was very effective. Actually, 100 dollars for a soft toy is quite a bargain. It was only because the auction team didn't want to take anything back to home base that they would offer cheap cheap prices. Now, this fact attracts people. But only people with lots of money. The people with no money however, were dragged alongside the people with lots of money, and power. And because it was super cheap, the people with lots of money didn't plan to leave without many bargains. I especially enjoy the expression of the girl in the middle.

Just like ageing, there are obvious signs of boredom. It starts off with a dreamy sigh, progresses into a patience breaking weariness, evolves into agitated rolly eyes, and finally becomes a smelly face. And it doesn't help that there are chairs there either.

On public transport, i sometimes like to exaggerate the effect of the bumpiness of the ride. I see the heads of the people moving left to right, so i try to copy that, except by overdoing the reactions of the bumpiness. So I'd put on an extremely normal, perhaps drainy and annoyed face, overdo the reactions, and then observe the reactions of the other passengers. It's fascinating, because they'd think that you're actually annoyed by the movement and that you're trying to avoid the shaky ride - which is perfectly normal. The plane which took me home was extremely squishy, the aisles were particular small and the seats particular unspacious. On top of that, i was sitting next to an old asian man, and you'd categorize old asian men as non-contact because they're too traditional to know how to touch. I couldn't really feel relaxed in the position that i was in - and that is, narrow shoulders, slim legs and constricted arms. I couldn't relax even though i'd taken the pill. Luckily, some turbulence came to cause some bumpiness to my ride. As soon as it hit, i started to shake violently to touch the man's left leg on a few occasions. He looked at me oddly the first time, but after that he thought that i was a normal person because every other passenger on that plane was wobbling. Then i felt tired, I spaced myself out - my arms and my shoulders and slept. After a while i woke up i found we were all over each other. And after i had tried to pull away our touching arms, the old asian man glanced at me for the second time for the entire trip. I'm sure that the extra space was also what he wanted, and he was just waiting for me to take the first step. And if your dad is asian and sort of old, he is probably too traditional to know how to start a hug. Won't you start one off for him?

10. 84 years is no eternity

On the second last day of tour, i asked a friend: "do you think you'll cry tomorrow?" I asked her because she seemed like a girl with stability and strength. She answered: "ru guo ni bu ku, ni jiu bu shi ren!" (if you don't cry, then you're not worthy to be a person!) An unexpected answer. I was expecting a more gentle response, on the lines of: "yes i would, you?" I cry every now and then for easy causes, but i have never cried for friendship matters. Am i not a person?

On the last day of tour, i walked to the dining hall by myself and sat down at a table. There weren't many people having breakfast at that time because everyone was too out from the night before. A slow and feelingful pop song was playing in the background. No one on the table was speaking. I reached forward to take some fried-egg with my chopsticks and my friend opened his mouth for the first time: "ni hai hao ba?" (are you okay?) At that moment, the feelingful background music jumped from the pre-chorus to the chorus, and a warm patch of water welled up around my eyes. I lowered, then nodded my head as i fed the piece of egg into my mouth. Chewing, chewing, chewing, i just couldn't take it anymore. I left the table in an interruption and walked into the toilets. There, i had a quiet time to myself. From then on, whenever i saw somebody, i would have the urge to run into the toilets. Because they would be crying too. Though i never saw anyone else in the toilets each time i visited. Men have muscles big and strong, but what can you do in such physically intangible situations? You can only cry.

The 21 day tour had seemed to me a lifetime, not because it was boring, but because during the tour, my life had flashed before me. Suppose that a person can live 84 years, and that the person knows his own lifespan.
On the first to second day (1-8*), i was a bit unsure. About the people i would meet, the friends i would make, and the places i will go etc.
During the next 4 days (9-24), the fun began. I was meeting new and awesome people and each event/activity/occurrence seemed fresh and exciting. And it seemed like forever until the end of the tour, so we that we still had plenty of time to get to know each other as well as the girls we were interested in.
From the seventh day to the eleventh day (25-44), the friendships i have made had become well-established. Though the routines were getting a little repetitive, the meals we had discovered were all pretty much the same, and the many-starred hotels we'd stayed in had very much lost their novelty.
From the fifteenth to the last day (61-84), the heaviness had hit us. We were already counting down the days that we had together. I wasn't as enthusiastic when it came to meeting new people, the competition between teams grew stale. People weren't as keen on taking photos at hot scenic spots because the atmosphere was just different. Laziness had set in. We were all thinking about how we were going to say good-bye on the last day. How sad.
What happened to the twelfth to the fourteenth (45-60)? Time flew away too fast, no one remembered.
Now that you know what is ahead of your life, please use it wisely. I didn't use my time as wise i should have, and i am grateful for a second chance at life.

The tour to me seemed a little free-for-all. From the surface, everyone seemed very nice to each other. But beneath the skin, there was conflict, jealousy, isolation, pain, backstabbing, and most obviously selfishness. Most people were there to make friends for themselves, show off to become popular, and give themselves the best time there possible. There was a love there, but it was a love of self, not of others. The bonding that had occurred, happened because people were growing their own circles of friendships, less because of anything else. I am very grateful to be in the body of christ. To cut it short, there is nothing we cannot solve when we are one because of christ. And the above four sentences spoken in negative light, we wouldn't need to have.

I have run out of time. I have enjoyed sharing with you all my experiences. Thanks for reading, it has been a pleasure writing this diary. I can see myself smiling when i arrive at the airport, carrying my luggage as i hobble along slowly. Actually i will already have a smile on my face on the plane in taiwan just as it is about to depart. Because i know that all things must pass, unless it is for eternity.

9. Taiwan - my time

Taiwan is a very nice place. It has some very unique characteristics as well as many classic traits, such that anyone who comes to visit taiwan will have a lot of fun and exciting moments.

I just can't help overhearing some things sometimes. While dining at a restaurant, i overheard a tall canadian man, who was very western, slowly say in a strong canadian accent: "One thing i've noticed, about taiwan, is that, the people here are, extremely friendly and, very kind." I was on my way back from getting more rice from the rice pot, which was quite close to the canadian man, and when i heard that, i almost cracked. Luckily i didn't, i covered my mouth. On another occasion, i overheard a mini-boss boss talking to her employees. I was sitting about 3 metres away from them.

An employee said: "aiya! shang ci bei na xie da lu ren zhua dao, hai zhen bu hao yi si." (aiya, last time i was caught by those mainland chinese, i lose all my face.)
The mini-boss asked: "catch you what?"
The employee said: "ta men kan dao wo ba ke ren chi guo de fan, fang hui fan guo." (they saw me putting the half-eaten rice back into the rice pot.")
The mini-boss said: "aiya, what a waste to throw it away, next time just be careful don't let the customer see."

I took special care not to stop eating as i heard that; i didn't want to turn such a comical conversation into an awkward situation, though something in my stomach did jump. Actually the funnier thing was that they didn't even see me sitting three metres right in front of them. Sometimes, it's best not to know. You don't know who's touched that door knob in the shopping centre toilet. You don't know when the last time that portable cooking stand in that night market was washed. And you don't know all the places, from the butcher to the restaurant, where that piece of meat, served in your hotpot has been. You don't know, because it doesn't matter, and they (the toilet cleaner, the stand owner and the mini-boss) know it.

On the taiwan tour, the girls were good, but the guys were better. Here is my top four:

Paul, 18 from New Zealand

This guy has intriguing and wacky thought patterns. I love his face when he smiles and he always gives that smile when he talks to you.

Xiang Ye, 16 from Singapore

Another person who likes to speak his mind.
Xiang Ye: "wo xiang xia xia ta." (i want to scare him.)
I: "shei?" (who?)
Xiang Ye: "guo lu ren ah." (by-passers ah.)
I: "wei shen me?" (why?)
Xiang Ye: "wo xiang kan kan ta men bei xia dao de biao qing." (i want to see their reaction when they get scared.)

River, 30 from Taiwan

A sincere person who loves to make friends. I have a collection of this young man smiling.

Luke, 21 from New Zealand

He's not smiling in the photo, yet it is enough to make us all laugh.

*Bonus: Sandra, 25 from Mauritius

She just likes to act like a boy, that's all. She has a unique skill of chi-gong, which is a form of chinese martial art. Thus, she can perform 'force push', but she doesn't like to show off. Also, she uses chi-gong to force alcohol out of her system so she is always up for a drinking game, no matter the variation.

You won't know what i'm talking about so i choose to talk less. One thing i've learnt on this tour is that you have to know yourself before you can know other people. For me, an example of this is knowing the boys before i know the girls, because if i don't even know how guys work, i will have problems with the girls. From this, i have also learnt to keep a distance from people who always mix with people of the opposite gender.

I love being by myself. And here in taiwan, i have plenty of time by myself. I love the freedom and the slowness, and i can do things without embarrassing the person next to me. Now i'm working on being less self-conscious so i can do more things on which i can look back on and say: "i would've regretted if i had not done that." The most time i spend by myself is shopping and browsing streets. Here are my experiences:

There is a group of robotic people you can find around taiwan. Firstly, there is the train traffic director:

He reminds me of AFL umpires. As soon as a goal is scored, they have to perform that double-handed action. Here, the train trafficker also has to perform that double-handed action, and repetitively when the train on the next platform comes, and i find it a humorous job.

In every elevator in every department store, stands an elevator operator. At every stop, she would ask 'what floor' and give a greeting in a robot language, press the appropriate buttons and give a magical hand gesture as the elevator door closes. At every stop! If you ask them a question, they are now allowed to answer it unless it is in a heavily monotonous tone. It makes me wonder sometimes, what exactly are they thinking when they are doing their job. Are they really that serious? Or will something slightly funnier than average blow their cover. Or is it that when she swap shifts, she'll complain how stiff her cheeks are from all that smiling and how that funny situation almost had her cracking up. Luckily she covered her mouth. Another sight i saw was a little more unusual:

I was quite amused by this one. Before the doors closed, the girls had to make sure that they say: "xie xie guang ling" (thanks for coming) and 90-degree-bow profusely to the customers inside. I think on this occasion, the customers on the way up caught an extra girl by-passing, so instead of being awkward, she chose to fit in. The bowing reminds me of chinese movies where a high official purchases large amounts of supplies from a rich business man. The business man would bow many times to the official, and of course not without the shifty smile as well as the "xie xie"s mixed in with some fake giggling.

Taiwanese shopkeepers really know how to intimidate a customer. I'm not sure if they do this on purpose or that it's just not my style to be intimidated in the following ways:

1. I would enter quietly into a clothing store to look at some clothes. The shop lady would come over from the counter and say: "huan ying guang ling" (welcome), to which i would respond softly: "oh, huan ying guang ling." I don't mean to say welcome to her but it's just my australian habit to return a greeting with the same greeting. She would ask me what i want to buy? And i would tell her that i am just browsing. She would give me a full recommendation of the things on the racks, tell me about the hottest discounts and then stop to fold her arms to stare at me like this:

In the illustration, she knew that it was rude to stare, so she stared at a spot a few degrees to the left of my eyes. That was enough to make me feel uneasy - i think it would make anyone feel uneasy. I think she was just trying to provide really good service, and with the prices cut by 70-80% (2 and 3 mean 20% or 30% of normal price), she was probably expecting me to buy. I just pretended to look around, and then slipped out the door like jon chew would slip out from a boring conversation.

2. On one occasion, i was intrigued by a display window of electronic items. I walked into the shop through a chimed door to see three widish country men gambling on tiny stools. One man who seemed a little rough, heard the chimes, pushed his hands on his knees to rise, approached me with a gangster walk and yelled out: "yao shen me?" (what do you want?) Before he had a chance to get close to me, I literally twisted 180 degrees to latch my hands onto the heavy chime door and escaped. There's no need to hassle over such an incident, especially when the stock inside the shop were all old and dusty.

3. Sometimes when there are no customers inside the store, the shopkeeper would come outside to pull customers in. This is especially true of restaurants in less populated places. Here's what i came across at a fully-packed night market in taichung:

In such a full-house night market, i'm not too sure how to explain this picture. All i know is that there is nobody in the shop and that the owner is practising some chi-gong, probably to help with stress management, and less obviously, helping to scare the customers away. And look how fast her hands are moving!

4. On another occasion, i entered a soft toy/stationery store. I looked around and saw that there was a second level. As i proceeded up the stairs, a girl was sweeping the stairs and as soon as she saw me, she dropped her broomstick and raced as fast as she could to the second floor. I proceeded up the flight of stairs to begin browsing the second floor, until i saw out of the corner of my eyes a girl, standing fast like a soldier behind the counter, staring once again at a spot a few degrees to the left of my eyes. I quickly avoided her gaze and kept on walking as I felt a pattern of heat waves escape from my body. I didn't want to make the girl feel bad, so i thoroughly browsed the entire second floor, because afterall, she came upstairs just for me. But it really spoils the atmosphere of freedom.

5. Other intimidating factors include, secretly following you around i.e. hiding behind a shelf showing a quarter of a face, 'force buy' and loud and unashamed yelling, which i do find interesting.

I've been to a lot of parks, gardens and some mountains in taiwan and all i can say is that the species of plants and animals beats whatever i was expecting before i came. I have become a flower lover ("hua chi") in recent years, not because i know any of their names or anything about them, but because they look nice as my desktop wallpaper or on my desk. The flowers here are so pretty that even their leaves and stems look nice. Here's a selection:

Speaking of flowers, i went to a flower market which mainly sells flowers, but also has little food stalls, games, paintings etc. One stand at the flower market which stood out to me was the 'show and sell'. The way this stand works is that the owner shows a product on the spot e.g. a knife set, a handyman's tool set, a walking stick etc. and he sees if anyone wants to buy whatever he shows. Here he is:

In the illustration, he is pulling up his pants and sighing to his wife because no one is willing to buy the product he is wearing on his head. For any product this man sells, he will always start at a very high price, perhaps NT$1000. Then when he sees that nobody wants to buy it for such a high price, he whacks the brown and black stick onto the chopping board and lowers the price by $100. On this occasion, he was getting angry and was preparing himself to whack the price down to $200 from $300 because no one is buying his stuff. The interesting part is here: the audience knows of his strange behaviour, that he will keep on bringing the price down until people start buying, so everybody waits on their seats folding their arms with serious faces like so:

Look at the face the dad in the light blue is putting on, it is incredible.
For any item, as the stall owner finally gets fed up, he'll ask another round for $200. If nobody wants it, he would pretend to pick up the items to put it away, obviously awaiting an: "ey ey ey wait, i want!" But the audience in the picture have been sitting there for over two hours; no one was going to fall for that trick. Seeing that nobody responds to his false retreat, the stand owner suddenly stops, walks back to the sales table to put the goods back, sighs a deep long sigh, and gives the black and brown stick a good whack: "aiya, $100." There would be a silence, and then suddenly come laughs all round from the audience as buyers swiftly take out $100 notes from their pockets.

Look at how sweetly the people are smiling - even from the side, you can still see the broadness of the smile. A brand new knife set for AU$4 is pretty much a joke. The stand owner is most likely a comedian hired by the flower market to attract people to stay inside the market for a longer period of time, hence the usage of the word 'audience' instead of crowd.

While lining up for a ticket for the Mount Ali train, which is one of the three existing mountain train lines in the world, i was approached by an old grandma. She started speaking to the people in the waiting line in taiwanese, which i do not understand, but i tried to understand. The other people in the line were all looking at the ceiling pretending to not notice her presence, so i tried to copy them. It didn't work however, the old grandma somehow knew that i was listening to her so she switched to mandarin. She asked me if i was going to visit Mount Ali by train. I said that i was. Then she pulled me to the side and said softly, "yao bu yao wo bang ni ding lu guan." (do you want me to book hotel?) The old grandma was short, had a crooked back, and was quite old. I didn't know how to respond to her question, but having been conned many times big or small, i decided to give her a wave of my hand. But the thing is, con artists won't let you go so easily. They'll firstly lure you in, hold you for as long as possible and make it as hard as possible for you to get out. That is what she did. I saw an unprofessional name tag around her neck but nevertheless if it wasn't for her shortish and sly outwards appearance, i would have believed her straight away. In other words, if it had been a younger lady, with her hair properly done up, wearing professional attire, speaking with a proper accent, i would have believed her straight away and had my money scammed. Too bad that whatever field people work in, there's a day when they'll become old. The hotel she offered was a cheap $1000 a night and she wanted a $500 deposit on the spot. She also told me that i could get once-a-day train tickets from her even if the tickets from the booth were sold out. I gave her the $500 and she assured me that she would be back in an hours time to give me the tickets. Then she disappeared. In an hours time, i came back and I didn't see any old grandma. The train was leaving in half an hour so i went to the booth to ask to buy a ticket. It was sold out. I began to panick: old lady come out now and give me my train ticket!

A few days later, while having dinner at a dumpling restaurant with myself, something struck me in an instant to tell the old grandma about Jesus. A smirk began to appear on my face, and i was filled with extraordinary confidence that i normally would not dare have. I knew that the old grandma lurks around near the train station somewhere so she wouldn't be too hard to track down. The next day i went to find her.
Sam: "hi ah po, ni hao." (hello old grandma, how are you?"
OG: "ey ey, ni zai zhe bian gan ma?" (ey ey, what are you doing here?)
Sam: "ni xin ye su ma?" (do you believe in Jesus?)
OG: "xin shen me? wo shen me dou bu xin la, dou bux in." (what? no i don't believe in anything. i dont' believe in anything.)
Sam: "ni xin ye su, jiu de yong sheng, shang tian tang, bu xin ye su, jiu xia di yu. xin ye su hen hao le." (believe in Jesus you get eternal and go to heaven, don't believe in Jesus you go to hell. believe in Jesus very good leh.) proceeds to hand her a card wrapped in wrapping paper.
Sam: "zhe ge gei ni." (this is for you.)
OG: "oh xie xie ni oh, zhe shi shen me? wo men ye gang ren shi." (oh thank you oh, what is this? we barely know each other."
Sam: "wo gen ni shuo zhe ge dui wo mei you hao chu, wo xiang gao su ni zhi yin wei ni neng huo de geng you yi yi, er qie de dao yong sheng." (i tell you this today not so that i can get anything from you, i just want to tell you because i want you to live with more meaning and receive eternal life."
The old grandma looked down at the ground and then looked up with her head slightly tilted, her eyes starry, and said: "even my relatives don't give me a present for my birthday..."...
That was what i imagined in my head. Like many people, i like to rehearse a situation in my mind before doing it. Sometimes i guess it right and sometimes it doesn't happen the way i expect it to. The day i went to the train station, surely enough, the old grandma was there. I said hi to her, and she began telling me about the cheapest buses around etc. I tried to start the envisaged conversation but my mouth was frozen, except when i say 'uh' at each bus recommendation she gave me. I have never tried to tell a girl face to face that i like her, but i'm sure i would have been able to pull that off easier than talking to this old grandma. Then the old grandma said 'bye' and i said 'bye' and we walked away. And i didn't stop walking, because i had already takent he first step.

I have learnt from this experience that sometimes i have to take up courage to do some things which are important and fun. And also, doing something with someone who you'll never see again is a must do. Because when you look back, you'll know that your present environment would remain the same, but that you would have changed somebody's life. Next time i'll be better.

The old grandma turned out to be a friendly lady who, had not only not conned me, but has saved me quite a lot of money. The hotel she booked also would have been the one i would have picked by myself, except it would have been much more expensive. She asked me to tell everyone about her, so that when my friends and relatives come to visit, they'll all go to her to buy tickets. Here she is:

I asked her to smile but she just couldn't bring it on. I'm not showing you the photo so that you'll know who to find next time you go to taiwan, but i'm showing you just to let you know that when she comes to find you, you can let your guard down even when she seems like she's trying to scam your money.