19. By the Power of a Glance

For the 21 days on tour, i felt like i was travelling in a live taiwanese drama. There were 188 tourists, half of whom were girls, most of whom came on tour to meet other people for their own reasons, and all of whom were taiwanese. We shared university dormitories, hotels, cabins, and much more, such that on the third day, it seemed as though we had known each other since forever. In addition, the oldest organizing authority on tour was only 26, so you could imagine all the boundary stretching and rule breaking temptations that add to the very essence of taiwanese drama. Plus, every corner you turn and every pillar you stand under, you'd find guys saying the line: "ni dao di xi huan shei ah?" (who do you like tell me come on) and "ni jue de na ge xiao mei zen yang?" (you think that little girl how about?) But the most key of word in this tour sub-culture is: "zheng mei" (standard girl). 'Standard' by the meaning of standardly good or typically pretty. It is as though the guys all see themselves as 'standard' guys so wouldn't accept anything below par 'standard'. So the time comes when the girls say that they're tired and want to go to sleep, and they go back to their own rooms. As soon as the guys' room door closes, all the guys would explode into mouthfuls such as: "you mei you kan dao XX chao zheng ah!" (did you see XX super standard!) Now you know, that's all we, shallow, superficial, guys talk about. Without girls, the guys would all be standing pieces of wood with two branches neatly by each side, no one would step one step out of his room, and i dare say that there would have only been about 10 people on the tour.

There is something unfathomable about glance exchanges with the opposite sex. I chose the words 'glance exchanges' because there would be nothing weird about a one way glance. The other party wouldn't know that somebody else is looking at them, therefore there is no power in the glance. There are three general reasons for glance exchanges 1) They are interested in you 2) They think you are interested in them 3) They think that you think that they are interested in you.

I was very careful in my live-in taiwanese drama to avoid those awkward glance exchanges, however inevitable it was. I didn't think it was very healthy to build a relationship upon the awkwardness, so i almost always tried to prevent it at all cost. The experience of glance exchanges can be described for both parties using the following analogy. It is as though two magnets are placed next to each other at an influencing distance, while the poles of the two individual magnets switch at random periods. Such that one moment, the magnets are being repelled by the force field one another, yet at the next moment, the magnets find themselves attracted to each other. Sometimes, glance exchangers are just like these magnets. They feel an almost tangible force field caused by the eyes of the other person, such that it is hard to look them in the eye. But at other times, their eyes just wander wander wander into the force field's epicentre. It is as though eyes have so much power, and perhaps that is a part of the reason why it is the window to the soul.

(The girl in the photo is angela who is one of those 'nice' girls and has not much to do with the contents of 19. By the Power of a Glance)

When i get into a glance exchange, i usually pretend that nothing is wrong, and view normally, just like the way i view normal girls - look them in the eye when they talk, watch them when they move, and rest my eyes on their faces when i go off into a daze. I do that, and they don't get any ideas. They don't even look back. But there is just something profound about pretending that a glance exchanger is a normal person, because it just doesn't work. It's just not the same. It's as though she has subscribed to my force field, and where my eyes move, i give off varying strengths of different forces. I cannot look at her as she may get ideas, yet i cannot not look at her as it would be unnatural. I cannot look at her for very long as it would turn into a stare, yet i cannot look at her for very short as it would reveal my discomfort. So finally, my eyes go wandering into a lovely daze and soon after, i find myself looking at that same girl, who at the same moment turns her face to catch my glance. And i say: "Goodness, not even in my day dream can i avoid her. Now she's sunk further into my power, and i further into hers."

Among the 188, there was one girl who to me, stood out from the rest. The rest means the rest of the girls i checked out, which was pretty much all of them. I could make a list of the reason as to why she stood out to me, but i only want to talk about one thing. It was her laugh. Her laugh really touched my heart. My dad taught me some time ago that, by the way a person laughs, you could tell whether a person was genuine or not genuine, simple or complex, innocent or manipulative, open or defensive. And watch out for those people who can't show genuine laughter, because those people, i deduced, think before they laugh. The reason for that, is because they are so full of motives themselves, that wherever they go, or whoever they meet, they naturally put up a shield to protect themselves against motives, which in actual fact are only their own medicines. Very dangerous people.

The word to sum up the quality of the laugh is the chinese word 'tian zhen', which means innocence but with more awareness and naivety but with more understanding. The qualities that derive from 'tian zhen' are genuineness, generosity and compassion. I saw those qualities in action, and i was attracted to all of them. The girl must have sensed my attraction, because i suddenly felt the magnetic force field controlling my eyes. Such that i was unable to lift my camera to add her picture into my dvd-full image collection. Such that before i turn the corner in the corridor i feel a repelling force from around the corner, which makes me turn and run. I made some wrong moves in that experience, but i'm glad i did so that i could be better next time. Now for all occasions in the past, I have never wanted to look for a relationship of any type. Because i believe that the time has not yet come.

[Picture for another day]