15. How To Lose A Friend In Three Ways

To be continued, below...

So how many ways are there to lose a friend? Rumours have it that there are about ten, but here are the top three ways as i have discovered in taiwan.

1. The number 1 strategy to lose a friend is to talk about yourself whenever you can. To master this art, you have to be ever-thinking about what the talk topic has to do with yourself, and how you can apply it and fit yourself into the conversation. A typical conversation from the master:

master: so where did you go today?
friend: i went to a 'working house' store in near Taichung train station.
master: oh that one, yeah i know that one. me and my friends went there once to buy tapes and clothes. so where else did you go?
friend: well the science museum, i walked there after that.
master: you walked to the science museum? did you like it?
friend: yes i liked it, i really liked the rooftop display.
master: yeah, i remember when i went to the science museum and i dared my friends to hide inside while it closed. and my friends couldn't get out after that. oh, so funny.
friend: ohh...
master: but the funny thing is they had to spend the night there in their school uniform. i didn't want to ditch my friends either, so i went home to get a sleeping bag and slept near the museum window. that was just last year before the renovation.
friend: didn't your friends get mad?
master: yeah, but we do this all the time. one of our classmates can never get along with the other boys in the other class. and he always goes to throw rubbish or uneaten lunch into their home room after lunch. the teacher's expression was so funny.
friend: ...hmm...oh i went to see the native plant green house as well, that was good.
master: yeah...(silence)
friend: ...have you been there?
master: (eyes light up and takes a deep breath) I! blablabla...

Clearly here in this case study, the master is supposed to be a gracious and welcoming host, whose aim is to make the friend feel comfortable with a heart-warming chat. But what does she do? From the question asker, she becomes the question receiver, and she makes you wonder if all her questions are asked according to her own interests, so that as soon as a semi-satisfactory answer is given, she may take a deep breath and pounce on her own question - hard.

In taiwan, i talked to a very powerful girl who was keen and able to maintain a one way conversation. Every time i took a breath to speak some words, she would quickly cut me off with more tales about herself, leaving me to close my mouth and deflate air. By the time she ran out of things to interrupt me with, my face had turned red hot, maybe from all those breaths, but definitely from the build-up of intense frustration. And we talked for three and a bit hours that night.

2. The second most effective way is to show off your skills and abilities as a priority in friendship building. To master this art, you need to know how to avoid weaknesses to deliberately run into your strengths, while pulling others down in order to magnify yourself. Thus the main goal of a master is to surround himself with a group of people who awe at his skills and capabilities. Littly known to him, the culture of the group he creates is of self-interest, competition and jealousy. And little does he know, that deep down, people don't really care about your abilities. What matters to people is your sincerity.

"I remember the story of a taiwanese guy who dated a taiwanese girl. He was very excited to take her out to see a movie, though he wasn't too good with directions, and he lost his way. By the time they arrived at the cinema, the movie had already finished. Embarrassed he was, but he nervously asked her if she wanted to go to dinner. She said yes. At the end of the dinner, he discovered that he only had NT$100 in his wallet. He searched every single pocket for loose change, but still did not have enough. Neighbouring diners were turning their heads to look as they wondered what the fuss was all about. The guy stuttered to ask the girl whether she could lend him some money to pay for the dinner. The next day, the girl's parents invited the guy over to have a coffee. He was late by over three-quarters of an hour, the reason being that his motorbike had run out of petrol. By the time the parents greeted him outside the gate, he was huffing and puffing breathlessly beside his motorcycle with sweat dripping from his chin and helmet strap. In the end, the girl actually married the silly guy."

Just look at how hard he tried. If a girl did that to me, i may not marry her, but i would definitely nod my head and say to myself: "i want to be your friend." It's true that she doesn't know how to do anything. I could say that she is uncautious or even disorganized. But those things don't matter when there is true sincerity.

If it was a guy, it would be even better.